


First Kisses, Second Thoughts

by elisa_pie



Category: Star Trek RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Dating, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Pining, Teenagers, pining zach
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-05-14 12:28:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5743870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elisa_pie/pseuds/elisa_pie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chris is nervous about talking to a girl. Zach tries to help. [Pinto teen AU]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The exact ages of the characters are not stated in the first chapter, but they are in high school.
> 
> Huge thanks to [semperama](http://archiveofourown.org/users/semperama/pseuds/semperama) for helping me with this!

Zach barely looks up from his math homework as Chris walks into his room, dragging his feet on the carpet, and flops face down on the bed. When Zach continues to ignore his presence, Chris heaves a dramatic sigh and turns on his back.

“Alice hates me. She’s the coolest, prettiest girl in the school and she _hates_ me.”

“Have you actually talked to her yet?” Zach asks, finally turning to look at Chris, who’s blinking rapidly at the ceiling.

“No, of course not. Why would I? She _hates_ me.”

“You can’t know that if you never talk to her,” Zach reasons.

Chris is silent for a moment, absorbing the wisdom of Zach’s words. Or at least that’s what Zach would like to think. Knowing Chris, he might just as well be reciting poetry in his head. If this was a movie of Chris’s life, there would be a pretentious voice-over describing Chris’s inner turmoil, or one of those depressing British indie bands playing in the background as Chris contemplates the current state of his love life, or lack thereof. If Zach was directing such a movie, the camera would pan from Chris’s slumped form on the bed to the window to show the rain gently tapping against the window. Too bad it’s been a typically sunny day.

“What would I say though?” Chris asks after a moment. “I can’t even talk to normal people, and she’s like super cool and popular.”

“You’re talking to me right now. In fact, you never stop talking to me,” Zach points out. “So I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, but you’re not normal,” Chris says, like it’s self-evident, an unquestionable fact instead of the insult it sounds like.

“Thanks,” Zach says and briefly considers throwing something at Chris. He feels like a freak often enough without being called one. That’s not exactly what Chris said, though, Zach tells himself. Still, it didn’t exactly sound like a compliment either. It’s sometimes hard to tell with Chris. Maybe he really does have a point about not knowing how to talk to people.

“You know what I mean,” Chris sighs and sits up. “Come on, man, tell me what to do, what to say to her.”

“What makes you think I’d know how to talk to girls?” Zach asks, and Chris laughs. This time Zach actually throws a pen at him, which Chris dodges easily.

“I don’t know, maybe because you always act like such a gentleman?”

“You’re such a jerk,” Zach says and tries not to smile.

“I know,” Chris says, smiling back. His expression turns sour a moment later, though. “But seriously, what should I do?”

Zach can’t help feeling pleased that Chris is asking him for help. Not that he’d ever tell Chris that. He’d never hear the end of it. Too bad he doesn’t have any particularly useful advice to give, apart from the obvious.

“Well, you could, I dunno, just _ask her out_ , or something.”

Chris’s answer is an incredulous laugh.

“I mean, what’s the worst that can happen?” Zach asks.

Chris buries his face in his hands before mumbling, “She’ll laugh at me, and all her friends laugh at me, and I can never go to school again.”

“Isn’t that kind of dramatic?”

“No.”

Zach sighs and goes to sit next to Chris on the bed. He hesitates a moment with his hand hovering over Chris’s bony shoulder before deciding _what the hell_ and lets his hand drop down and squeeze it in sympathy. Chris leans into the touch, the tense muscles relaxing under Zach’s fingers.

“Okay, worst case scenario, she’ll say no. Which would suck, yeah, but you’ve survived worse. Remember that time you fell off a tree and had your arm in a cast for weeks?” Zach asks. He certainly remembers it. Chris never stopped complaining about it.

“Yeah, that was pretty bad. It itched like hell. Plus, it was my good arm, if you know what I mean,” Chris says, looking up and waggling his eyebrows.

“Ugh, gross,” Zach mutters and punches Chris’s shoulder before withdrawing his hand. Chris just grins at him.

“Okay. Best case scenario, then. She says yes, you go on a date, and then you will be a nervous wreck over that. Where to take her, what to wear, when to kiss her-”

“I have to kiss her?” Chris asks, eyes wide.

Zach can’t help it. He starts laughing, and can’t stop even when Chris hits him with a pillow and scowls.

“No, Christopher, you don’t have to kiss her. But I thought you wanted to. You’ve been talking about her for weeks now. How she’s _so cool_.”

“Yeah, but… oh my god, you’re right, I will worry about that. I am worrying about that right now. Why did you say anything?”

Zach shrugs. “It’s just kissing, though. No big deal.”

“Easy for you to say, Quinto. I’m not the one who kissed half the boys at drama camp.”

Zach shoves Chris’s shoulder again, but he can’t help smiling. Damn, that had been a good summer. “Hey, it was _two_ boys, okay?”

“Whatever, man. That’s still two more than I have kissed so far, so you’re the expert here.”

Zach doesn’t really think of himself as much of an expert in anything, not really, least of all kissing, but Chris’s words still make him feel warm. Partly because he isn’t used to being looked up to, but also partly because to him, Chris’s answer sounds a lot like he’s saying he hasn’t kissed any _boys_ so far. The thought of Chris kissing boys, wanting to kiss boys, is pretty hot. Okay, totally hot.

Which Zach would feel guilty about, except that the thought also makes Zach feel less alone. The only other gay kids (or _probably_ gay anyway) he’d ever met were the boys at the drama camp, hence the secret kisses after lights out, that time in the nurse’s office, telling anyone who might ask that they went for a smoke. The fact that an activity which was actually physically harmful to you was more socially acceptable than kissing another boy still annoys Zach, but at least it had provided a cover while simultaneously boosting his social status among his peers.

“What was it like?” Chris’s voice is quieter and he isn’t looking at Zach. In fact he’s looking at everywhere in the room but Zach, picking at a hole in his jeans. “Your first kiss?”

“You really wanna know?” Zach asks, bewildered.

“Yeah.”

“It was… good,” Zach says, uncertain how to describe it. “Really good.”

It had been, but it had also been so new, not quite like anything he’d done before, that he can’t really put it into words now. He’s never _had to_ put it to words before. How do you describe something you have never even had the chance to talk about before? It’s not like he told his mom as soon as he got home. He can’t imagine how that conversation would have gone. Or he can imagine it, and would prefer not to. He only told Chris when they saw each other again at the end of the summer holiday because he couldn’t keep a secret that big from his best friend, and after blurting it out he’d quickly changed the subject, feeling his cheeks heat at the embarrassment and uncertainty of the reaction he would get.

Zach had been mostly relieved that they hadn’t talked about it since, and that Chris hadn’t treated him any different afterwards. There had been a short moment as they went on to talk about the books they’d read over the summer when Zach could feel Chris staring at him, considering this new piece of information before taking it in his stride and moving on. Zach is pretty sure he would have gotten the same reaction, or the absence of one, if he had said he’d smoked a joint. A hint of surprise, soon replaced by indifference.

There had been times in the weeks since when Zach had been suddenly very aware of the fact that Chris knew. When they watched a movie and Zach made a comment about the looks of a handsome actor, he’d get all nervous again, afraid of what Chris might say. The relief he’d felt when Chris only hummed in agreement or commented on something else had been immense.

They have been silent for a while, each lost in their own thoughts, when Chris speaks again. “Tell me more about it?”

It’s almost a whisper, like Chris is giving him the chance to pretend he didn’t hear it. But now that he finally has the opportunity to talk about it beyond just mentioning it and quickly hiding behind a chance of topic, Zach finds himself almost eager to share. He leans back against the wall and thinks for a moment before answering.

“The first time, I asked Matt--he was also fifteen, and from somewhere in Ohio, I think, and I’d seen him watching some of the other guys while we were doing warm-up stuff for one of the classes so I was pretty sure he might be--but I didn’t know for sure, so I just asked him to come for a smoke with me after everyone had gone to bed, and he said yes. Like, immediately. So, in the evening, when we went to the spot behind the cafeteria building, I pretended I’d forgotten the cigarettes in my bag. I never even had them in the first place, of course.”

“Smooth,” Chris comments, the smile evident in his voice.

Zach smiles too and looks at Chris for the first time since starting his story. Chris is sitting cross-legged on the bed, elbows resting on his knees and hands under his chin. His attention is focused completely on Zach now, like he can’t wait to hear what happens next. Zach has to force himself to look away before continuing.

“So then I was all like, we should do something else, we can’t go back immediately because that would just look suspicious, you know? And he said yeah, and we were already standing pretty close because it was dark-” Zach pauses, telling himself to slow down and take a breath before continuing. His cheeks feel hot.

“And then…?”

“Then, we sort of looked at each other, but for too long, you know? Matt smiled, and I smiled, and we looked away, then back at each other - oh god, I’m so bad at this, please tell me to stop before it gets really embarrassing.”

“Nope. I’m enjoying watching you being embarrassed about something for once.”

Chris’s grin is almost evil. Zach would be happy that Chris seems more at ease than he has so far during this conversation if he wasn’t busy feeling uncomfortable himself. With a sigh, he figures out that this conversation won’t be over until Chris gets what he wants. Zach is still mostly happy to have this chance to talk about it, but he’s starting to feel that the words are coming out all wrong. It’s a bit like telling someone about a dream you’ve had and not being able to do justice to it with words. The night of his first kiss had been a bit dream-like anyway. Zach had been expecting to wake up until the moment they actually kissed.

“So, then we kissed. I put my hand on the side of his neck, and I was still so nervous because what if I had just imagined it all, but he closed his eyes and then I put my mouth on his and yeah, it was good. Like I said. We went back there for the next two evenings and kissed for however long we thought it would take to smoke a cigarette or two. Or maybe longer, it was kind of hard to keep track of time… Until one night we saw some people actually smoking there and just went back to bed.”

Zach looks over at Chris, who is frowning.

“That’s still not exactly helpful, Zach. You didn’t really talk about the kiss much.”

“Well, unless you want me to show how it’s done, I don’t really know what sort of helpful advice you’re expecting here.”

Zach’s mortified by what he said for a second before Chris starts laughing and he joins in, relieved that Chris doesn’t seem to be disgusted. He’s about to get up from the bed and back to his homework, to put an end to this whole bizarre conversation, when Chris speaks.

“You could, though. Show me. If you want to. I mean, you probably don’t, right? Who would want to kiss this?”

Chris gestures to his face, the blemishes and acne scars probably much more visible to himself than anyone looking at him. Zach is so used to that stupid face that he doesn’t even think about the texture of that skin. It’s all just... Chris. And Zach wants to kiss him, very much. That’s the whole problem, and also the only reason he isn’t immediately agreeing to an enthusiastic demonstration. With tongues.

“Chris, shut up. There’s nothing wrong with your face.”

Chris doesn’t look particularly convinced. His brows crease and he’s just about to protest when Zach continues, trying to sound a mixture of resigned and not like he desperately wants this himself.

“Actually, if it will make you shut up about this, I guess I could just show you.”

Zach thinks he’s agreed too quickly, too eagerly, but Chris actually shuts his mouth then and sits up, smiling. Like an eager puppy, Zach thinks, and tries to ignore a stab of guilt. He can’t really tell himself he’s just being unselfish, doing a favor for a friend, when the thought of kissing Chris is making his heart race and his skin feel hot all over.

This isn’t really happening, Zach thinks. Any minute now Chris is going to realize what a monumentally stupid idea it is to ask your very much not straight friend to kiss you. This kind of thing only happens in movies. He’s never actually seen any movies where this kind of thing happens, but he’s sure it does. In reality, not so much.

Zach is so wrapped up in his own thoughts he’s startled when Chris clears his throat and says, “So, how do we do this thing?”

Zach sits up and turns to face Chris, crossing his legs and mirroring Chris’s position on the bed. Chris looks at him expectantly, and Zach tries to think back to that first kiss with Matt, if he was this nervous then. The fear of being caught, the fear of rejection and disgust, they’re all there again. That much is familiar, _too_ familiar. For a second Zach’s half-afraid he’s going to be sick. But his mother isn’t home and they have the house to themselves. No one’s going to interrupt them. Chris’s expression is open and trusting. They’re really going to do this. If Chris had been just joking, he would have backed down already, laughed it off and changed the subject.

The excitement, the butterflies flapping their wings, that’s familiar too, if slightly more intense. From the way Chris has started breathing faster, his cheeks flushing again, Zach guesses that some of the same nervousness is there in the person staring back at him. And maybe, hopefully, some of the excitement too.

The thought that Chris is nervous, and trusting Zach in his vulnerability, helps to calm him somewhat, and makes him want to put Chris at ease too.

“It feels like I’m going to be performing a kiss, instead of just, uh, kissing,” he confesses.

Chris gives him a quick smile before looking down at his hands in his lap. “That should be easy then. You being an actor and everything.”

“Doesn’t mean I don’t get nervous.”

“Yeah, but dude, this is going to be my first kiss. I’m pretty sure I’m more nervous than you are,” Chris says. His face is still flushed and he’s fidgeting with his hands.

 _Oh, you have no idea_ , Zach thinks as he puts a hand on Chris’s shoulder and leans in slightly. Chris looks back up, and Zach feels his heart hammering against his chest.

“This is a stupid idea, right?” Zach asks quietly, mostly because he feels like at least one of them should acknowledge that out loud.

Chris grins. “Yeah, definitely. Let’s do it.”

“Okay. Doing, not thinking,” Zach repeats. “Good.”

Chris nods, his attention focused completely on Zach again, and his gaze drops to Zach’s lips. There’s still a good few inches between their faces, but Zach feels the weight of that gaze like a physical touch. His palm is clammy against the thin material of Chris’s shirt. It’s almost too much, unbearably intimate, and they’re not even kissing yet. Zach wonders how much actually kissing Chris will unravel him when he’s getting so flustered just by their proximity, the potential of their kiss.

“Close your eyes first. That way you can concentrate on what you're doing.”

“Any other advice?” Chris whispers as he closes his eyes and leans forward. His breath is a warm puff of air on Zach’s lips, his lashes impossibly long as they flutter against his cheeks.

“No. Well, just, try to do what I’m doing.”

“Okay,” Chris says, his voice barely audible.

With that, there isn’t anything else left to do but lean closer until their lips are touching. Zach makes sure to lick his lips first--that’s one thing he definitely learned from his first kiss. Two sets of dry lips--no. Not a good idea. Two sets of moist, soft lips, on the other hand...

Their noses bump against each other until Zach tilts his head slightly. He quickly forgets he’s supposed to be giving a demonstration as their mouths finally meet and his eyes close of their own volition. Chris’s lips are soft against his, moving slowly after little encouragement. Zach carefully puts his hand to the back of Chris’s neck, his fingers sliding into the short hair there, and he feels Chris shudder. Their lips part for a second, Zach moving back immediately to capture Chris’s bottom lip between his. Chris makes a small sound in his throat and clutches at Zach’s shirt with both hands, scrunching the fabric before letting his hands rest against Zach’s sides.

They keep exchanging small kisses until they’re both breathless, panting against each other’s mouths. When they finally part, Chris’s eyes are still closed, and he takes a few deep breaths before opening them and releasing his grip of Zach’s shirt. They stare at each other for a moment. The blush on Chris’s face extends to his ears now. Zach wants to look away, wants to ask if it was good, but he doesn’t really trust his voice to be steady quite yet. It would be a pretty stupid question anyway. He must try to act as indifferent as possible, and let Chris speak first. Thankfully, he does.

“Wow.”

“Um. Yeah,” Zach answers, cursing himself for not being able to think of anything clever to say to prevent any possible awkwardness.

“You’re really good at that,” Chris finally says. He briefly touches his fingers to his lips, then drops his hand and looks away. His face is flushed and Zach wants to feel the warmth of that skin against his own, under his lips. Shit, this was a bad idea, he thinks, unable to look away from Chris. A horribly, disastrously bad idea. And he’d agree to do it again in a heartbeat.

“Well, like you said, I’ve had loads of practice.” Zach hopes he doesn’t sound as unsteady as he feels. He smiles at Chris, and when Chris smiles back at him those butterflies are back again, flapping their wings painfully fast.

Chris’s gaze shifts to the door, then down to his fidgeting hands. Zach can guess what he’s going to say before the words come out of Chris’s mouth.

“I should go. It’s probably late.”

Zach looks at the alarm clock on his nightstand reflexively. It’s not even 8PM yet, but Zach hesitantly agrees. As soon as the soft “Yeah,” is out of his mouth, Chris jumps up from the bed and goes to grab his bag from the floor. He’s halfway across the room before Zach suddenly panics and stands up.

“Chris, wait.”

Chris turns around immediately, looking at him expectantly, and Zach has no idea how to voice his uncertainty, how to ask for reassurance that nothing has changed.

“We’re... okay, right, dude?”

Chris laughs, the sound brief but warm, and says “Yeah, we’re okay. Just never say the word dude again, alright?”

Zach forces a small laugh and puts his hands in his pockets, just in case he gets any stupid ideas like hugging Chris goodbye. They hug occasionally, but Zach is afraid it would feel forced and awkward now.

Chris grins at him once more before leaving. Zach stays still, staring at the hallway until he hears the front door slam shut. He goes back to his homework but can’t concentrate, playing the events of the evening over and over in his head. He’s thankful for the distraction when his mother comes home and calls for him.

It’s a long time before Zach falls asleep that night, his feelings swaying from elation to dread. When he’s not replaying the kiss in his head in excruciating detail, he’s worrying about how Chris will act around him from now on, whether this changes things between them, despite the reassurance Chris had given him. He completely forgets to worry about the girl Chris had been talking about so excitedly before their little kissing session.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Well, at least Chris is finally doing something, he has to give him that. That took a lot of courage, whether he is actually asking her out or just asking a question about homework. Zach’s sure he’s going to find out soon enough._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Added some tags for this chapter, including a tag for Alice/Chris since we get to see them interact here, even if it's just through Zach's eyes.
> 
> Also, thanks to everyone for all the lovely comments, kudos and encouragements for the previous chapter <33 This has been a fun story to work on and seeing people enjoy it makes it all the more fun!

Luckily for Zach (or unluckily), he’s there to witness it when Chris asks Alice out the following day. Even though he had known it might happen, had tried to make it happen even if his reasons for helping weren’t completely selfless, Zach is still gutted by it.

Chris is talking to Alice next to her locker, and even though Zach’s too far away to hear what they are saying, he can see the nervous way Chris is fidgeting with his hands. Zach feels a stab of sympathy for him. Well, at least Chris is finally doing something, he has to give him that. That took a lot of courage, whether he is actually asking her out or just asking a question about homework. Zach’s sure he’s going to find out soon enough.

Zach has been vaguely aware of Alice ever since Chris first started talking about her. She’s friends with some of the girls in Zach’s drama club, but their paths have never really crossed much. Zach doesn’t even have any classes with her. Watching her now, Zach wonders what Chris sees in her. She’s obviously pretty, even Zach can grudgingly admit that, but Chris has never been this obsessed over any of the other pretty girls in their school.

As Zach gets nearer, he hears snippets of the conversation over the sounds of laughter and locker doors closing.

“I dunno, you seem like a nice guy and all but I don’t think…”

“It’s because of my skin, right? Shit, I knew this would happen, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have--”

Zach can hear the rising panic in Chris voice and starts to push past the group of people in front of him, worried that Chris will start crying and ready to step in if necessary. He stops when he sees Alice putting her hand on Chris’s arm. She looks sympathetic, and Zach stays back, curious to see what will happen despite the stab of jealousy at seeing someone else touching Chris with such careless kindness.

“Oh, Chris. It’s not that, I don’t care about things like that. I just don’t really like the idea of candlelit dinners and going to the movies, or you know, whatever?”

Chris nods, seemingly transfixed by this unexpected turn of events. Zach understands the feeling. It looks like this is going better than Chris had hoped, and he should be happy for Chris. He really should.

There’s a particularly loud group moving past Zach then so he has to strain to hear Chris’s enthusiastic agreement. “Yeah, I totally get that, it’s such a cliche, right?”

Zach turns away and goes back to his own locker, not wanting to be caught eavesdropping. He’s also not sure whether he wants to find out what happens next. When he glances back to the other end of the hallway a moment later he sees Alice leaving with a smile and a wave, her long blond ponytail swinging behind her. Chris is still standing there, grinning to himself in the emptying hallway.

“Hey, Zach!” Chris yells, starting to walk towards him.

Zach takes a deep breath, preparing himself for the worst. Chris stops in front of him, holding onto his backpack straps and practically bouncing on his feet.

“Did you see that? I did it! I talked to her!”

Zach has to smile at Chris’s enthusiasm. “Yeah, I saw.”

“And guess what?”

“What?” Zach responds indulgently.

“She said yes! We’re going out on Friday!” Chris’s grin is so bright that Zach can’t help but smile back. They stand there, smiling at each other, and before Zach knows what’s happening, Chris has enveloped him in a fierce hug. It only lasts a moment. Chris’s face is hot against Zach’s neck as he mumbles “Thanks,” and steps away.

They do their usual after-hug-fistbump, but it feels awkward to Zach. Chris seems to show no signs of discomfort though, apart from his still pink cheeks. He’s still vibrating with energy, and Zach wonders how his friend will be able to sit still in class.

“I don’t think I could have done it without you, man,” Chris says quietly. “You helped, like, a lot.”

“Come on, Romeo,” Zach says. “We’ll be late for class.”

*

Zach sits on the edge of Chris’s bed, dangling his feet off the side, as Chris rummages through his wardrobe, throwing clothes on the floor and on his bed in haphazard piles. Usually when they hang out Zach is having so much fun he’s reluctant for it to end, but now he’s eager to go home and--not exactly lock himself into his room and cry, but it’s a close thing.

He tries not to think about how weird it is to help choose clothes for someone you like when that person is about to go on a date with someone else.

He also tries not to remember the last time he was alone with Chris in one of their bedrooms.

“So where are you taking her?” Zach asks to distract himself.

“We’re going to this poetry reading downtown,” Chris says distractedly.

“Seriously? You you’re going to drag her into one of those things?”

“Shut up. It was Alice’s idea, actually. Apparently she writes poetry and short stories and everything. She’s really good.”

“Oh.” That _is_ a surprise, Zach thinks. She’s starting to sound like the perfect girl for Chris: gorgeous, smart, similar interests. And Chris sounds awed, like he can’t believe this girl is real and wants to spend time with him.

“I knew she liked to read because I’d seen her carrying novels with her at school, but I had no idea she writes stuff herself.”

“Well, no wonder she agreed to go out with you then, what with you being the only other book-nerd in the school,” Zach says, smiling despite himself.

“You’re a book-nerd too, asshole,” Chris says and puts up a hand, counting with his fingers. “One. You’ve read Great Expectations, and not for school. That book is huge. Two. You couldn’t wait to start talking about books when I saw you right before school started…”

“Yeah, okay, I get your point,” Zach interrupts and thinks _Yet I’m not the one you’re taking out on a date, am I?_

Chris just smiles at him like he’s won an argument and goes back to sorting his clothes.

“Okay, which one is better?” Chris asks, emerging from behind the wardrobe door and holding two shirts that look much fancier than the usual stretched white t-shirts he wears. One of them is some kind of dark plaid shirt that looks more like something Chris’s dad might wear, and the other one is blue. Like Chris’s eyes.

Zach knows which one is going look better on Chris, but is he supposed to know these things as Chris’s friend? Would it be weird to say the blue shirt looked nice because it matches Chris’s eyes? Yeah, that’d definitely be too weird.

“I dunno. Maybe the blue one? That one looks really cute, I mean nice.”

Chris gives him a strange look before shrugging and taking off the grey sweater he’s been wearing. Zach averts his gaze as Chris reaches for the blue shirt. He’s seen Chris shirtless plenty of times before, but it feels somehow wrong to look now that he knows what Chris’s lips taste like.

“Any other major problems I can help you with?” Zach asks, looking for an excuse to leave.

Chris buttons up his shirt and starts putting the other clothes away before muttering, “Maybe…”

Zach waits for him to continue, but when nothing else comes out of Chris’s mouth he asks. “What is it?”

“It’s just stupid, but… there’s like this certain pattern how dates are supposed to go, right?” Chris says, holding a bunch of shirts in his arms before shoving them carelessly into the closet.

“So what if I do something wrong, like offer to pay for the food or something? I mean, that’s what’s always been expected of guys, but she might be offended, like it would mean she couldn’t pay for herself? Do I open doors to her? Is that a gentleman thing to do, or am I setting women’s rights back a few decades by doing that?”

Zach listens to Chris’s growing list of worries, feeling slightly bewildered. He has never put this much thought into dating. Not that he’s been actually dating anyone, but even the kisses he’s had so far have been mostly spur of the moment things. Even the one with Chris. Sure, he’d been nervous right before kissing, but that had been just fear of the reaction he’d get, not the fear of failing some impossible social standard he should be reaching.

“...there’s just so much pressure and expectations, you know? I want to do it right.”

“Uh huh,” Zach answers, not really knowing what else to say.

“What do you think?” Chris prompts.

“I think you think too much,” Zach answers honestly, but Chris doesn’t look convinced.

“Look, just think about how you’d behave if it was me--if you were just hanging out with a friend? Just do that, and maybe give her some compliments on how she looks. And smile at her more. Just be nice. That should work.”

Zach can’t believe himself. Chris could have probably ruined the date by worrying about every single detail, and here he is giving advice, making sure the date will go well.

“Are you sure?”

Zach sighs. “Yeah, I’m sure. If you worry about how doing one little thing wrong will ruin the whole evening, that’s just a self-fulfilling prophecy, you know? If you just act like you act around me, you’ll be fine.”

“I probably shouldn’t call her an asshole, though?”

Zach has to laugh at that. “No, you definitely shouldn’t.”

Chris laughs too, but he’s oddly serious a moment later.

“You don’t mind that, do you? When I call you things like that? I don’t mean it like that, it’s more like a…” Chris gestures with his hands “an affectionate thing, you know?”

“Yeah. It’s fine,” Zach says, watching as Chris goes back to his stacks of clothes. “I should probably go,” Zach continues, standing up. “Let you finish getting ready, bathe yourself in a bottle of aftershave, whatever it is straight guys need to do to get the girls.” He can’t quite get the light tone right and his joke sounds flat. Maybe Chris is nervous enough about his date to notice. “And uh, good luck.”

“Thanks,” Chris says sincerely. “Hey, you sure you’re alright?”

Zach flashes him a smile as he leaves, hoping it looks convincing enough. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

*

Zach doesn’t see Chris until the following Monday at school, a couple of days after the Big Date. He’s sitting outside during lunch break, enjoying the early spring sunshine when he spots Chris walking towards him. It’s not like he’s been avoiding Chris, he tells himself. He’s actually been busy with homework, and the rehearsals for the school play. That’s why he didn’t return Chris’s calls.

He still feels guilty though when Chris stops next to him and asks, “Hi. Can I sit here?”

They have been friends since they were eleven, and Chris would normally just sit down, invade Zach’s personal space without a second thought. The fact that he feels the need to ask now makes something inside Zach twist unpleasantly.

“Of course. Yeah. I was just--lunch,” Zach explains, waving the plastic box he’d been about to open. “Want a sandwich?”

“Yeah,” Chris says as he flops down on the grass and leans his back against the tree. “Didn’t hear back from you when I called to your house.”

“Yeah, things have been pretty busy with the play,” Zach says.

“I didn’t know you had rehearsals over the weekend.”

“No, I was, uh, just running lines. Doing research.”

Chris just shrugs, seeming to accept the excuse without further protest.

Zach busies himself with the food and avoids looking at Chris. It’s becoming a problem, really. Zach used to be able to ignore whatever attraction he felt for his friend, but now that he knows what Chris’s lips feel like against his (soft, insistent, as if they’re afraid to let go), the sounds Chris makes when he kisses (all soft sighs), he can’t stop thinking about it. He’s afraid Chris will know just from looking at him.

When it seems that Chris is content to just sit silently, Zach decides to take matters into his own hands and ask. He doesn’t know how to comfort Chris when his own thoughts and feelings are such a mess, in case the date hadn’t been the great success Zach is afraid it had been. Maybe he should give Chris the sandwich with the extra peanut butter. And his bag of M&Ms.

“So, how did the big date go then?” Zach asks, handing Chris the sandwich and taking the other one himself. He has to wait for the answer, and when it comes it doesn’t really answer anything.

“Okay. I think,” Chris says, looking at the sandwich in his hand for a moment before taking a bite.

 _Okay?_ Zach thinks, confused. He’s not sure whether that’s a good thing or not, whether he should be feeling relieved or-- he really shouldn’t be relieved if it means that the date went badly, right?

“Did you have a good time?” Zach asks, dreading the answer.

“Yeah, sort of. I mean we talked, a lot. She’s so smart, we had so much to talk about.” Chris takes another bite of his sandwich and continues eating, a small smile on his lips.

“Oh,” Zach says, ignoring the stab of jealousy at hearing Chris having such a good time with someone who isn’t him. “That’s good, right?”

“I guess. Next time I’d rather just stay in and watch a movie or something though. That would be less stressful than being out with a beautiful girl you’re not even sure is real. But yeah, it was nice.”

“And?” Zach prompts.

“And what?”

“Did you kiss her?” Zach really hopes it comes out as neutral, but he _needs_ to hear this answer, however much it might hurt him.

Chris looks around, as if expecting to see someone eavesdropping. There’s no one close by, but Chris still lowers his voice when he says, “Yeah, we kissed.”

“How--how was it?”

“I dunno. The date was going pretty well before that. I think I had sort of forgotten to be nervous, ‘cause we just talked. And then I was walking her home…” Chris pauses and looks down at the remains of the sandwich in his hand. “We stopped in front of her house, and stopped talking. Then I got really nervous again. I just kept thinking, this is the part when the kissing happens.”

Zach can imagine that all too well. He’s seen Chris nervous before, most recently when they had kissed in Zach’s bedroom. Or before the kiss and after it, actually. Chris hadn’t seemed that nervous during the kiss, his lips moving against Zach’s and strong, sure hands gripping Zach’s shirt. Then again, Zach had been so busy taking in every detail of that kiss, so conscious of not letting himself enjoy it too much, that he might have missed the usual signs. The fidgeting hands and the blush creeping along Chris’s neck are back now, and Zach feels a surge of desire, a lingering fondness, followed by a rush of guilt. This is what Chris had looked like before Zach had kissed him.

Zach has to concentrate to hear what Chris is saying, since Chris has apparently decided to have this conversation with the sandwich in his lap instead of Zach.

“I just kept worrying if I was doing it right, you know? And afterwards I still kept worrying about it. I barely enjoyed it at all. And I don’t think she did either.”

“What did she say?”

Chris shrugs. “Not much. She sighed. But, like she was disappointed, or something. What a failure, right? And everything was going so well before that.”

Zach leans in closer and lays a hand on Chris’s shoulder. He feels a surge of joy when Chris doesn’t shrug it off, just leans his head in his hands and mumbles, “Maybe I just wasn’t good at it, you know?”

“You were just nervous. That’s completely normal. She was probably nervous too,” Zach says, trying to comfort. “I’m sure you were fine,”

“Are you? How was I-” Chris looks around again before leaning closer to Zach and whispering, “when we kissed? Was I really bad at it?”

“No,” Zach says quickly before he can even think what he should and shouldn’t be saying. Chris gives him a pointed look and Zach realises how loud his voice was. He removes his hand from Chris’s shoulder and continues more quietly, “Of course you weren’t. If I hadn’t known that was your first kiss, I would never have guessed.”

It sounds like an appropriate compliment, not too intimate and detailed, and not too dismissive either. Zach’s pretty proud of himself for coming up with it, until he sees Chris’s sour expression.

“Yeah, like I’m gonna believe that,” Chris says, scrunching up his sandwich wrapper and throwing it to the open lunch box at their feet. “C’mon, Zach, we both know I wasn’t _that_ good.”

“Okay, fine. You were clearly a bit unsure what you were doing at first, but… it was good, you were good,” Zach says and continues hastily, “You’re forgetting that I’m not really much of an expert in this. But you were... enthusiastic, but gentle. It’s not like you left my face covered in spit, you know?” Zach pauses for a moment. “No, wait, did that happen with her? Were you drooling on her, because I can see how that would have-”

“Shut up, Zach. I did _not_ drool on her,” Chris says, shaking his head. “Jesus.”

The both laugh, and Zach assumes they’re done with this topic for now. He really hopes they are, because he isn’t sure how much longer he can take this, talking about kissing with Chris when all he wants to do is stop talking about it and start doing it. He tries to steer the conversation back to Chris’s date, as much as he doesn’t actually want to talk about that either.

“Well, I’m sorry your first kiss wasn’t everything you wanted it to be.”

Chris looks at him and says slowly, like Zach had completely misunderstood the point, “But that wasn’t my first kiss.”

Zach tries not to be jealous at hearing that--he can’t imagine when and where Chris had the chance to kiss another girl last week before his much-hyped date with Alice, but he really shouldn’t assume that Chris wouldn’t find girls that are willing to kiss him anywhere he went.

Then again, Zach might be a little bit biased when it comes to how utterly kissable Chris is.

“Oh? Who was that then?” Zach asks, aiming for an indifferent tone and probably failing spectacularly.

Chris sighs impatiently. “You, Zach. Duh.”

“But--that doesn’t count!” Zach exclaims. “It was just a--a rehearsal.”

Sure, Zach had enjoyed the kiss (a lot), but he had been working under the assumption that Chris had just mentally shelved it under Dumb Things I Did With Zach and not thought about it further.

“Yeah, it does. I had never kissed anyone, and I kissed you. And it felt like a real kiss.”

Zach can’t argue with that. It had certainly felt like a real kiss to him.

“And anyway, it was different with you,” Chris continues. “I was a little nervous at first, too, but then--I wasn’t anymore.”

The bell rings, and Zach is prevented from saying anything that would embarrass him further.

Chris stands up and offers a hand to Zach, helping him up. Zach tries not to think about how strong Chris is, and fiddles with the strap on his backpack instead as they say their goodbyes and head to their classes.

*

Zach is walking across the parking lot after school when he sees them. Chris is talking animatedly, his hands gesturing as he speaks to the girl walking next to him. The girl, who Zach recognises as Alice from her swinging ponytail and red backpack, is laughing, probably at something Chris has said. Zach only sees them for a moment until they go around a corner, but it’s enough to tell him that however disastrous that first date had been, it definitely hadn’t been the end of that relationship. Zach tries to fight the sudden stab of jealousy and stinging in his eyes, telling himself that he has no right to feel upset. It’s not like he ever had a chance of having Chris for himself.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Tell me about that other guy you kissed at the camp,” Chris says out of the blue, looking at Zach steadily._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long with this chapter! Work has been pretty stressful lately, so I haven't had much time or energy for writing. But this story has been fun to write, and I'm so happy that people have been enjoying reading it. So thank you to everyone who has been leaving comments and kudos, and a big thank you to semperama for the kind words <3

“I’m never gonna be able to do this,” Chris sighs in frustration and buries his face in his hands. “Math is never easy, but trigonometry? It’s just impossible.”

“Well, you managed to go on a date with a popular girl, so I don’t think anything is impossible anymore,” Zach answers. His tone is snarky, but Chris doesn’t seem to notice, just sighs again.

“Yeah, and see how that turned out? It wasn't exactly the perfect date I wanted it to be.”

“But I saw you guys hanging out after school the other day,” Zach says and immediately winces at how jealous he sounds.

Chris hums in agreement, busy drawing circles in his notebook.

“So it can’t have been that bad? You’re still talking?” And walking really close, and laughing at each other’s jokes, Zach thinks. He tries not to think about the possibility of them kissing each other too.

“Yeah,” Chris says, a small smile on his lips. “Turns out she doesn’t hate me after that disastrous date, so yeah, we’ve been kind of hanging out. Who would have guessed?”

“So she’s what, your girlfriend now?” Zach asks, unable to hide his feelings on that matter.

Chris looks at him, frowning. “So what if she is? Is it really so hard to believe someone like her would want to be with someone like me?”

Any resentment Zach has been feeling quickly deflates at that tone. Chris sounds hurt, and he’s blinking rapidly before looking down at his notebook again.

“No, of course not, “Zach says, quickly. “I guess I just wanted to know what was going on. You were talking about the date ending in a disaster and then I see you guys talking and laughing together and I just… I was confused.”

“Yeah, me too. I was afraid she’d never want to see me again after what happened,” Chris says, as if the date had involved a bigger disaster than an apparently slightly unsatisfying kiss. “But she was waiting for me at my locker after our last class on Monday, and said she wanted to talk.”

“Oh,” Zach says. That had to have been right before he’d seen them leave school together, practically arm in arm. He was right then. Alice likes Chris, and they’re a couple now. Zach has to remind himself to at least try and be happy for his friend. “That’s good, I guess. What did she say?”

“She said she had a nice time at that poetry reading, and that she would like to hang out with me again. She told me I was the smartest guy she knew,” Chris says, honest-to-god blushing at the memory. “I was pretty much ready to follow her around like a puppy when she said that.”

Zach snorts. He’s intimately familiar with Chris’s wide-eyed puppy dog expression.

“But, we’re not exactly… dating. I think. Just, like you said. Hanging out.”

Zach feels relief wash over him at the idea that Chris does _not_ have a girlfriend. “And you--you’re okay with that?”

“Yeah,” Chris says, sounding almost surprised himself. “Like, I get to talk to her about books and stuff? That’s so much more than I had hoped. I thought I’d maybe get a date or two with her before she realized I wasn’t worth it and just forgot about me. But this is--I feel like I’m getting to know her.”

“That’s… nice.”

“And there’s no pressure about getting the date thing right, which is a huge relief to be honest. No more awkward kisses. I just talk about stuff with her. Like I do with you,” Chris finishes quietly.

“Nice,” Zach says, distantly aware he’s repeating himself but unable to come up with anything else to say. 

“And she laughs at my stupid jokes. Just like you do. It feels amazing to have a pretty girl like her laughing at me because she thinks I’m funny, not because she’s,” Chris gestures with his hands, “making fun of me, or something.”

Zach is desperate to change the topic again. No matter how platonic the status of Chris’s relationship with Alice might be, there is a certain kind of awe in Chris’s voice when he talks about her. Like he can’t believe his luck, getting to spend time with her. Like he’s still very much smitten with her. Zach is sure Chris never talks about him like that, to anyone. Perhaps Chris doesn’t talk about him at all. They’ve spent so much time in the past days and weeks talking about Alice, but Zach is willing to bet anything that Chris hasn’t so much as mentioned him to her. Why would he have?

Chris is staring down at his notebook again, chewing the blunt end of his pencil, lost in thought. Zach wants to scold him for how unhygienic that is. Not to mention distracting. Chris’s full lips are wrapped around the pencil as he frowns at his homework, and Zach can’t stop staring. He only looks away when Chris glances up again, catching him.

“So, homework,” Zach says.

Chris pouts. “Could we do something else? Like, anything else?”

“Maybe you just need some extra motivation. A reward, or something.”

“Can it be like a pre-reward? Because that would totally motivate me,” Chris says, perking up.

“Uh, no. You have the self-control and attention span of… someone who hasn’t got much of either,” Zach finishes lamely.

“And you,” Chris says, pointing at him, “have the language skills of a toddler.”

“Haha. Very funny,” Zach says as he gets up and starts looking around the kitchen. “Wait, I think I have an idea.”

Chris just looks at him, unimpressed, as Zach turns around to check the cupboards before finding the bag of treats he’s looking for. As he’s getting down from the chair he used to reach the top shelf he starts to explain his plan to Chris, who’s back to leaning his chin on his crossed arms on the table and staring at the textbook in front of him, as if he’s willing the homework to be done with telepathic powers. 

“So, I found these Hershey’s kisses--my mom always keeps these around, I think they’re her favorite. Cookies and cream,” Zach says, reading from the package. “So, how about one correct answer and you get one kiss?”

Chris’s head snaps up as Zach approaches the table. His mouth is hanging slightly open as he stares at Zach. “Uh, sorry, what?”

“I’m obviously bribing you with chocolate to get you to study.”

Chris is still staring at him, and Zach wonders if maybe this wasn’t a good idea after all. Maybe Chris is self-conscious about snacking, although Zach thinks that with a body like that he really has no reason to be. Then he thinks that he really shouldn’t be thinking about Chris’s body right now. Or ever.

“I can put these away. I just thought the combination of a reward and the blood-sugar boost…”

“Oh, no, I just thought… never mind,” Chris says and looks down at his textbook. “Just show me how to get started with this one.”

Zach sits down and leans in closer to look at the textbook, telling himself it’s not an excuse to lean closer to Chris if he has to do it in order to see the book. He carefully moves away again to focus on his history textbook once Chris gets started, but he has to read the same sentence three times before the words on the page start to make any sense.

When Chris gets the first task right and starts to happily munch on his chocolate treat, Zach finds himself staring at Chris’s mouth again. It’s only then that the significance of his choice of words hits him. He’d promised Chris a kiss. No wonder Chris had been so flustered and confused. Zach has to fight the urge to hide--and the urge to remove the bit of chocolate from the side of Chris's mouth with his finger, or his tongue. When Chris licks chocolate from his fingers, about to start the next task, Zach excuses himself.

“I’m just gonna--bathroom.”

As he gets back he sees Chris peering into the fridge.

“Dude, you have _beer_ here. That would have been a much better reward.”

“It’s not my beer. I think Joe left those behind when he was visiting from college,” Zach answers. “Besides, I don’t think being drunk would help you with your homework.”

“And a sugar high does?”

Zach shrugs. “Hey, you already got some of your homework done. So yeah, I think it worked.”

“We could have one each when we’re done with homework,” Chris says, looking at the beers and then back at Zach. “It’s Friday. Please?”

Zach thinks how accurate Chris’s description of himself as a puppy is right now, huge blue eyes staring at him, pleading. He really can’t resist that look. 

“Okay, fine.”

Chris grins, ignoring the beer for now and picking sandwich supplies instead. “Great! I’m hungry though, so let’s take a break.”

“Of course you are,” Zach says fondly and moves into the kitchen to help Chris with the sandwiches.

*

“Tell me about that other guy you kissed at the camp,” Chris says out of the blue, looking at Zach steadily. They finished their homework a while ago and have been sitting on the sofa in the living room since then. Chris is holding his bottle of beer in one hand, his other hand picking at the invisible fluff on the backrest he’s leaning against.

“What? Why?” He can’t come up with a single possible reason for Chris’s curiosity.

“You only told me about Matt, and you said there were two guys. So I wanna hear about the other one,” Chris explains and takes a sip of his beer.

“But why?”

“I’m just curious,” Chris says and shrugs. “Besides, I told you about my disastrous kiss with Alice.”

“Not in that much detail, you didn’t.”

“Okay, fine. She was wearing some kinda vanilla-flavored chapstick, so it was like licking ice-cream, or something, except warmer. Her hair was really soft. Happy now?”

Happy isn’t exactly the word he’d use to describe how hearing about Chris kissing someone else is making him feel. Zach can’t help comparing himself with the girl of Chris’s dreams. There is no way he’s going to be soft and sweet and vanilla-flavored like Alice. Maybe he should eat some ice cream and suggest another kissing lesson, Zach thinks hysterically before dismissing the idea as ridiculous.

“Still not a lot of detail,” Zach mumbles, not sure he’d actually want to hear any more.

Chris sighs. “It was just this one short kiss, not like when--” Chris pauses and looks away for a moment. “Uh, our lips were moving against each other for a moment, and then we both just leaned away and said good night. It was all over pretty quickly.”

Zach feels mixture of jealousy and relief at hearing that. 

“Okay, you go now. You’re much better at telling these things anyway.”

Chris is looking at him expectantly. It feels like a competition that Zach hasn’t signed up for and where he can’t understand the rules, just that it’s his turn again.

“Alright. It was the last evening of camp and there was this party. There was beer and music, people were singing and dancing, and everyone was having a good time.”

“See?” Chris interrupts. “You, like, set the scene and everything. That’s some excellent storytelling right there. You should totally be a writer or something.”

“Do you want to hear this or not?” Zach asks.

Chris nods eagerly. “Yeah. Tell me more about this awesome secret summer camp party.”

“I guess it was sort of ignored by the staff, as long as things didn’t get too wild or anything, so everyone was sort of behaving themselves-”

“Except young Zach Quinto, who was about to get kissed for the second time,” Chris says, smiling. He’s hugging his legs against his chest, his chin resting on his knees. 

“It was hardly my second kiss. Matt and I had been sucking each other’s faces for most nights already. So it was like, fifth or sixth time. At least.” Zach knows bragging about his previous kisses probably won’t make Chris jealous, but that doesn’t stop him from trying.

“Okay, whatever. Now tell me about the second _guy_ you kissed.”

“So, I went to get some beers, which were outside to keep them cold. When I was leaving to get back to the party, Karl was standing there.”

Chris stares at him for a moment before his eyes widen in surprise. “Wait, Karl as in the Karl in our school? The Karl who’s in the football team?”

“Yeah, that Karl. He was... really cute. Nice, strong hands,” Zach says, waiting for Chris’s reaction.

“Holy shit, that’s the second guy?” Chris shouts.

“Shh!” Zach whispers, almost automatically despite the fact that they are the only people in the house.

“Sorry,” Chris whispers, his eyes wide and expression earnest. “But seriously, Karl? The soon-to-be homecoming king? You kissed _him_?”

Zach nods, smiling at Chris’s scandalized expression and the memory. “He startled me, walking quietly in the dark like that, and I dropped one of the bottles and cut my hand a bit when trying to move the pieces of glass away from the path. Karl said he was sorry for creeping up like that, and when he saw what happened to my hand he insisted he’d get me a band-aid and took me to the nurse’s office.”

“Wow. I mean, that’s actually really nice,” Chris says. He’s picking at the label on his bottle, not looking at Zach. “Not at all what I’d imagined he’d be like.”

Zach has to agree with that. Every time he’s seen Karl at school, he has seemed--not cruel exactly, but very different from the guy with kind eyes and gentle hands who had kissed him. Zach knows something about putting on appearances, playing a role to fit in, although he mostly does it to be left alone, not to be one of the popular guys. So he thinks he understands, has some idea of the person Karl might be underneath that popular kid role, but he isn’t sure how to put it to words. 

To Zach’s knowledge, Karl has never mentioned their moment together at camp to anyone. He’s pretty sure he would have been teased about it relentlessly if Karl had told any of his friends on the football team. Zach has honored this unspoken agreement between them, until now. He feels a slight twinge of guilt, talking about it now, but Chris did ask. Zach knows he can trust Chris with anything, even a secret like this.

“Yeah. People aren’t always what they seem, I suppose.”

Chris hums, lost in thought. “Yeah, I guess so.”

They drink their beers in silence for a moment, and Zach thinks Chris has forgotten about the story already, or is purposefully acting like he has forgotten what they were talking about. 

“So, what happened then, with Karl?” Chris finally asks.

Back in storytelling mode again, Zach thinks back to that evening and continues. “My hand wasn’t actually hurt that badly. I cleaned the small wound myself and Karl found me a band-aid. One of those ones with Disney characters on them. Anyway, I think Karl was drunk. He kept joking about how if I was a girl, he’d kiss it better, and laughing as if it was this amazing, funny joke. But he stopped when he saw I wasn’t laughing with him. Then he, uh, actually kissed my hand. I think I just stared at him, shocked.”

Zach remembers that moment clearly, because it had seemed so unreal, even absurd. Like he was a princess in a fairytale, or being introduced to an eligible bachelor in a Victorian novel.

“I couldn’t believe _that_ was happening, and then he looked at me for a moment and then, sort of, leaned towards me and kissed me on the mouth. Which was, yeah, a surprise, really. A nice surprise, but definitely unexpected.”

“Oh,” Chris says. “Then what happened?”

“Well, I kissed him back, and the kiss went on for a while. It was nice. Karl leaned away first and said “oh shit”. I was afraid he was going to say something else, I don’t know, something mean. But then he just laughed, told me that had been fun, and squeezed my shoulder. I agreed that yeah, it was great, and then he left, back to whatever he had been doing, and I went back to the party.”

Chris is quiet for a moment.

“Why haven’t you told me before?”

“I didn’t tell you about Matt before either,” Zach points out. “I only said there were two boys.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t know Matt. Not that I really _know_ Karl, but I know _of_ him.”

Zach is about to give some kind of an answer, to explain why he felt it had to be a secret, when Chris continues. “I just wish you’d tell me stuff like this more.”

“Sorry to disappoint you, but that’s all the guys I’ve kissed so far,” Zach says and smiles, suddenly overjoyed to be able to talk about this with anyone. “No more stories to tell.”

“You kissed me, though,” Chris reminds him, as if Zach could have forgotten.

“Well, you were there. So you know all about it already, ha ha.”

“Ha. Yeah.”

Zach tries to think of something, anything, to change the topic, and ends up quickly drinking the rest of his beer instead.

“Do you like him?” Chris asks suddenly, the words leaving his mouth in a rush. “Karl. Do you have a crush on him? Is that why you didn’t tell me?”

“No, I don’t have a crush on Karl.” 

He might have, for those few days after the kiss. After all, it was a pretty nice kiss, and Karl was kind and gorgeous. But then he was back home, hanging out with Chris, and having been kissed by one of the popular guys didn’t seem to matter as much as spending those last remaining days of the summer together, watching movies they didn’t like enough not to talk over them. Watching the tanned skin of Chris’s back as they cycled to the beach together, shirtless because of the heat. He should have realized how bad he had it then.

Chris grins. “Thank god. That would have been such a cliche, you know? The sensitive gay kid falling for the handsome jock.”

“Hey, who are you calling sensitive?” Zach protests.

Chris shoves Zach’s shoulder, causing him to fall back against the arm of the sofa.

“Ow.”

“See?” Chris says, laughing. “You totally are. Sensitive. A big softie under that cynical actor exterior.”

Zach laughs too, feeling much more drunk than he should after a bottle of shitty beer. He leans against the back of the sofa, getting more comfortable, and says, “Watch it, Pine. You’re lucky I like you, otherwise this would turn into a real fight.”

Chris doesn’t say anything in answer, and Zach turns to look at him. Chris is biting his bottom lip and looking down at the bottle in his hands.

“I sometimes wonder, though,” Zach says, suddenly desperate to keep on talking. “If he’s gay, I mean. Karl.”

“He could like both girls and guys, right?” Chris says. “I mean, that’s a thing?”

“Yeah, that’s true. Even if he likes guys he probably can’t do much about it. His friends don’t seem the kind of people who’d be okay with that.”

“Maybe you helped him figure it out? Like, he kissed you and realized he likes guys too, and that’s okay because you weren’t an asshole about it?”

“You make me sound like some magical gay Disney frog,” Zach complains.

Chris giggles. “Did you turn into a handsome prince?”

“Shut up,” Zach says halfheartedly, already losing the fight against the laughter bubbling inside of him. 

“How about Matt, though?” Chris says, serious again.

“What about him?” Zach asks.

“Did you ever see him again, or keep in contact with him after the camp was over?”

“No. We didn’t exchange any info.”

“Why not?”

“I dunno. It was just one of those things where you fool around for the summer--or a week of the summer--and that’s it. Like practice, or something. Not anything serious.”

“Do you wish you had kept in contact though?” Chris asks. “Like, you could have been calling each other, maybe visit on holidays or something. He could be your boyfriend…”

Zach actually thinks about it for a moment and realizes he’s not regretting any missed chances with Matt. It had been fun, but neither of them had seemed interested in hanging out beyond their kissing sessions, let alone dating. 

“What’s with all the questions, Pine?”

Chris shrugs. “I’m just curious.”

“Yeah, right. You’re being plenty curious tonight.”

“C’mon, Zach. He was your first kiss. That’s huge.”

Zach wants to point out that he had been Chris’s first kiss, that Chris had insisted on counting it as a real kiss, but decides against it, fearing it had not been a “huge thing” for Chris after all. Not like it had been for him.

So instead he answers Chris’s question. “No, I mean it was fun, but… it’s not like I miss him, or wish I could kiss him again. Same with Karl.”

“So,” Chris starts. “We’ve both kissed these gorgeous people who we thought were out of our league, and who somehow managed to surprise us.”

It sounds like he’s summing up their entire conversation, and Zach wonders how Chris is able to do that when he barely remembers how they even got to talking about this in the first place.

“Yeah, I suppose so. Except I haven’t talked to Karl since, and you’re still seeing Alice.”

“Oh, yeah,” Chris says distractedly. “She’s cool.”

“So you keep saying,” Zach mutters. 

“What?” Chris asks, just about to take another drink and pausing with the bottle halfway to his mouth.

“Nothing,” Zach says, suddenly too nervous to ask whether Chris wants another chance to kiss Alice, whether he imagines that kiss over and over in his head.

And just like that, they’re back to normal again, bouncing back from any awkwardness caused by the discussion and Zach’s confession. Unfortunately for Zach, in addition to the usual joking around, the status quo means Zach pining over his friend who’s gushing about the girl Zach can’t even bring himself to hate anymore. It seems that being around Alice is making Chris happy, despite the uncertain and undefined status of their relationship, and Zach can’t really resent her for that. Not much, anyway. 

“So… when you kissed those guys, did you, uh… you know?” Chris asks suddenly.

Zach doesn’t know, but he can certainly imagine what Chris is about to say and would prefer to not have that conversation right now.

Before he has a chance to interrupt, Chris continues in a whisper, “Did you use tongue?”

Zach exhales a relieved breath. No need to discuss awkward boners during kissing then.

“Because I didn’t, when I kissed Alice, and maybe I should have? What do you think?”

“I don’t think you should have been sticking your tongue in her throat on your first date, no,” Zach blurts out before he can stop himself.

“Yeah, I probably wouldn’t have known what to do with my tongue,” Chris says and laughs. “Did you?”

“Did I what?” Zach asks.

“Know what to do.”

“I’m not sure I had any idea what I was doing with any of it, to be honest. But I just kind of went for it and did it anyway. And now I know more than I did before, at least.”

“That sounds like a good idea,” Chris says. Zach watches as he puts his beer down on the floor and turns towards Zach.

“Do you think you could, maybe…” Chris trails off and licks his lips. Zach’s eyes follow the movement, and his heart starts beating faster as Chris shifts closer on the sofa and whispers, “if you want to, we could just, like before…”

Chris’s fingers are touching the edge of Zach’s sleeve, their fingers mere millimeters apart. Zach leans closer, overwhelmed with the desire to cover Chris’s mouth with his, to feel their tongues against each other. He thinks there are probably a lot of reasons he shouldn’t do this, but he can’t seem to care about them right now.

When he hears the front door open, Zach isn’t sure if he’s relieved or annoyed at the interruption. Any relief is short-lived though, when Zach remembers the empty beer bottle in his hand and realizes the only person who could be at the door is his mother.

“Shit,” he says softly. “Shit, shit, shit. We need to hide these. Mom can’t see these.”

“Sorry,” Chris says as he hands his bottle to Zach and stands up quickly. Zach feels much more unsteady on his feet as he gets up, first pushing their empty bottles under the sofa. He makes a mental note to throw them out as soon as his mom has gone to bed.

After they greet Zach’s mom, she tells Chris he can stay as late as he wants since it’s not a school night, but Chris insists he needs to go, that he should have been back home by now.

Zach is reminded of the night of their first kiss, how quickly Chris had found an excuse to leave then--and when did he start thinking of it as the first one, as if there would be more kisses to follow?

He’s still not sure what Chris had meant to do, exactly, but the possibility of another kiss seems to hang in the air between them as he walks Chris to the door. Zach wants to say something, but he’s afraid of what might happen if he opens his mouth. Any question related to Chris and kissing feels dangerous when he doesn’t know for sure what kind of answer he will get.

“Hey, Zach?” Chris asks, then hesitates and stops, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jeans and looking down at his shoes. 

“What?”

“No, never mind. It was nothing important,” Chris says, his hand already reaching for the door handle.

Zach knows with sudden certainty that that isn’t true. Whatever Chris was about to say, Zach needs to hear it.

“Come on Chris, what were you going to say?”

“Uh, just that... do you wanna come over tomorrow night to watch a movie?”

Oh, Zach thinks. He’s not sure what he had been expecting, but an invitation to resume their usual movie nights hadn’t been it. Still, this means that everything’s okay between them, right? Chris wouldn’t be asking him over for a movie night if he was feeling disgusted by anything they’d talked about tonight, anything they had been about to do.

“My parents got that new superhero movie you said would be terrible,” Chris continues.

“I think I said _amazingly_ terrible,” Zach replies, almost automatically. “There’s a difference.”

“Whatever,” Chris says, smiling. “So, you coming over or not?”

“Yeah, sure,” Zach answers, smiling back. “Sounds like fun.”

“Okay!” Chris says moving closer, his arms raising as if he’s about to hug Zach before he seems to reconsider and awkwardly steps back again. “Yeah. Good. Uh, see you around eight?”

“Yeah. See you.”

Chris gives him another dazzling smile before he’s out of the door, leaving Zach standing in the empty hallway, feeling oddly cheerful despite everything. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zach tries to tell himself that it's not a date. It's just a movie night with Chris.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it - almost! I still have a short epilogue planned, and that should be done soon. I know it took me a while to post this chapter, and I'm happy that it's finally done. Thank you to every single person who has read this, left kudos and commented, it means a lot to me <3 Special thanks to semperama for all the help and excellent comments <333

“It’s Zach, right?”

The stage and the rest of the auditorium have been empty since rehearsals finished fifteen minutes ago and Zach stayed behind to fix some props. He’s been taking his time, enjoying the chance to focus on some manual work, to avoid his thoughts for a little while. He’s never actually been on a date - and it’s not like he’s going on a date now. It’s just a movie night with Chris, which they’ve done hundreds of times. But any time spent alone with Chris is now filled with the same eager anticipation and constant worry as any date. Zach thinks about kissing Chris so often he’s sometimes afraid he’s going to forget himself and go for a goodbye kiss instead of a hug.

He should have known he couldn’t hide forever. Zach gets up from the floor and wipes his hands on his jeans.

“Uh, yeah. Alice?” he asks, and puts his hands in his pockets before he gets it into his head to start shaking hands with the girl. He’s not going to be rude, but there’s no need to go out of his way to be polite either.

“Yes.” Alice gives him a bright smile and tucks her hair behind her ear. “I know we haven’t really talked, like ever, but Chris has told me a lot about you.”

Zach continues to smile, hoping it doesn’t look forced. Chris has talked about him? What kind of things has he been saying?

“So, are you guys…” Zach shrugs, his hands still in his pockets, “dating? Or what?”

“No, we--” Alice starts, then pauses. Her nose scrunches in a way that could be described as adorable. Chris would probably think it’s adorable. “He’s just trying so hard, and I don’t want to disappoint him. But I don’t think it will work out. Not like that.”

“Uh huh,” Zach says, nodding.

“That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about. I saw you from the doorway, and I thought--you knew we went on a date, right?”

“Yeah, Chris told me,” Zach answers. Like there’s a chance he’d forget.

“He’s actually so much fun to be around, once he gets over himself and starts talking, you know?”

“Yeah,” Zach says, and this time the smile on his face is genuine, his shoulders relaxing slightly. “I know.”

He still remembers how quiet and shy Chris used to be around him when they first met, and how quickly they had become almost inseparable soon afterwards. Chris had been looking through Zach’s bookshelf, one of the first times he’d been over at Zach’s house, and noticed a battered copy of _Good Omens_. Chris’s face had lit up and he’d started talking about it in such an animated way that Zach didn’t have a heart to tell him it was actually Joe’s book that had somehow found its way into Zach’s shelves, and he hadn’t actually read it. Not yet anyway. Chris’s enthusiasm had been so contagious that Zach had picked up the book that evening and stayed up late that night reading it. They had read passages out loud to each other the next time Chris came over, passing the book to each other and laughing.

The fact that someone else gets to experience that now, the shift from initial shyness to eventual intimacy with Chris, still makes him jealous, despite what Alice says next.

“But I don’t want to be his girlfriend. Or anyone’s girlfriend, really.”

Zach blinks, not sure what to do with what sounds like a pretty final confirmation that they are _not_ dating. He’s pretty sure he shouldn’t say the first thing that comes to his mind, but his curiosity wins out in the end.

“Why did you go out with him then?”

Alice bites her lip. The gesture reminds Zach so much of Chris’s nervous habit that he wants to smile.

“He’s nice, like I said. And that’s what I’m supposed to do, go on dates with nice guys, right? Except it’s not what I want to be doing. Too much pressure.”

“And you want me to tell him that?”

Alice looks down, her arms crossed over her chest. “Well, yeah, maybe? You’re really good friends, right? You always hang out together, so I thought…and it’s not like he’s gonna want to stick around after I tell him that, so.”

“He wants to be your friend,” Zach says, unable to help himself. He’s certain that Chris is genuinely interested in talking to Alice, hearing what she has to say about books and other things. Just like he’s interested in hearing what Zach has to say, always listening carefully, always ready to make Zach laugh.

Alice laughs at that, a short, bitter sound. “Yeah. That’s what all the boys say. It just means they’re willing to wait a little longer to get what they really want.”

Zach thinks that perhaps he should be mad about that, but then again Alice’s assessment of teenage boys is pretty accurate. He has to say something, though.

“I really don’t think that’s true about Chris. He’s… I think he might be…”

“Might be what?” Alice asks, curious.

 _He might like boys_ , Zach wants to say. _Or not. I hope he does. I hope he likes me._

But it feels too huge, too intimate a thing to share with someone who is basically a complete stranger, so Zach keeps his hopes to himself, treasuring them along with the memory of the kiss they had shared.

“I’m not sure,” Zach says. “But he’s not like that. I need you to know that. We boys can be idiots, but he’s really not.”

“Okay,” Alice says, considering. “I do actually like spending time with him, you know. Just as long as we’re on the same page about the whole dating thing.”

“I think you might be. God, this is so weird,” Zach says and tries to laugh at the absurdity of the whole situation. Here he is again, with a chance to sabotage whatever there might be between Chris and Alice offered to him, and he’s making sure they stick together. Even if it’d be just as friends. God, he hopes they won’t be anything else. He hopes Alice won’t change her mind and decide Chris is the exception to her no-boyfriends rule. He’s already the exception to Zach’s no-romantic-feelings-towards-friends-who-are-boys rule. It’s a good rule, it makes everything safer, easier. But when he thinks about Chris, how it felt to kiss him, he doesn’t particularly care for the safe option.

Alice smiles. “Tell me about it. Here I am, begging relationship help from a--” Alice cuts herself off, her face flushing. “Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, but are you--you are, right?”

“What?” Zach asks, panic hitting him. His heart starts beating faster as he forces his expression to stay neutral. There’s really only one thing Alice can mean, but Zach can’t be sure which word she meant to say.

“You know,” Alice continues, looking around the empty stage before whispering, “ _gay_?”

Zach almost wants to laugh, now that the word is out there, and not one of the bad words either, spoken in this place that feels like a second home to him. Or maybe a third home; Chris’s house would probably get second place. It’s kind of a relief, to be honest, for someone to see him as he is. He just hopes it’s not as apparent to everyone around him.

“Yeah,” he says, and sighs. “Is it really that obvious?”

“No!” Alice says quickly. “I just… had a feeling you might be. I’ve never seen you act all crazy around any of my friends who are in the drama club, and they’re all really pretty, so.”

“They are,” Zach says, smiling. “But I’m not interested. It’s just--I haven’t told a lot of people, and I--”

“Of course! No, I wouldn’t tell anyone,” Alice says, her expression wide-eyed and earnest. “I almost thought Chris was too, you know.”

“Why?”

“Well, he kissed me after our date, but he didn’t seem that into it? I thought if that was his first kiss, that might have been it--”

“It wasn’t,” Zach says, quickly. Too quickly. “His first kiss, I mean.”

“Oh,” Alice says, and Zach feels immediately guilty of sharing that with her. He can feel his face heating up. It was supposed to be a secret, something that was just theirs. Not because he’s ashamed, but because he wants to guard that one kiss like a treasure since he’s not getting another one.

“Tell me again why you’re talking to me about this? I don’t think I’ve been any help at all.” It certainly hadn’t been his intention to help Alice.

Alice smiles at him. “Because you seem cool, like you actually listen when people talk to you about stuff? That’s what Chris says, anyway. He really does talk about you a lot, you know. You guys must be really close.”

Zach looks down at the prop he’d been working on. It’s a cardboard cut-out of an old street lamp. “Yeah, we are,” he says, quiet. Smiling to himself, hoping Alice won’t read too much into it.

“That’s good. Well, I gotta go, but I’m so glad I ran into you. Tell Chris--just tell him I said hi, okay?”

“Sure.”

Zach watches her leave, still feeling rattled by what he had revealed to Alice, intentionally or not. For someone who usually keeps his guard up he sure as hell knows how to overshare when he finally has someone who actually listens to him, actually sees him. It’s a miracle he hasn’t blurted out his feelings to Chris yet.

*

“Aren’t your parents home?” Zach asks, frowning a little at the silent house.

Compared to the relative quiet Zach is used to, living alone with his mom since Joe left for college, the Pine household always seems to be full of small sounds of life, and Zach notices the difference immediately. It’s also the first thing he can think of to say to try and hide his reaction to seeing Chris, wearing that blue shirt that matches his eyes so well, grinning so wide Zach is pretty sure he could count all of his teeth.

“Nah, they went to visit my aunt,” Chris says. “Katie’s around somewhere but she’s going out soon. Come on in. I’m making popcorn. Everything else is ready.”

Zach takes off his jacket, wondering briefly what _everything else_ is. He follows Chris to the kitchen where the smell of popcorn greets them, immediately reminding Zach of movie theaters. Chris rushes to the microwave and opens it, cursing while holding the brown bag from one edge. The _wrong_ edge, Zach notices, and tries not to chuckle.

“Shit, that’s hot,” Chris hisses, dropping the bag down on the counter and immediately putting the burnt fingers in his mouth. Zach stares, helpless, as Chris turns to the sink. He’s waiting for the water to turn cold, trying to roll up the sleeve of his shirt, as Zach shakes himself and moves to help.

“Here, let me--”

“I got this, don’t worry,” Chris says, thankfully moving his fingers away from his mouth. “I’ll just run some cold water over it, it’s no big deal.”

“No, you need to put your hand in lukewarm water and hold it there for a while,” Zach says, turning the tap and finding the plug. “It’ll be better, trust me.”

“Sure, okay,” Chris agrees easily.

Zach takes hold of Chris’s hand without thinking about it, keeping it underwater while turning the tap off with his other hand. He knows he should let go, knows that there is no logical reason for him to keep touching Chris, but he can’t seem to move his hand away. It’s difficult enough to resist Chris when they’re almost touching, like they were last night, sitting on the sofa. Making the decision to move away when they are actually touching is almost impossible. Chris’s hand is warm and smooth in the water, perfectly still under Zach’s. A clock is ticking somewhere in the house, and Zach is afraid to raise his head and look at Chris, so he just keeps his eyes on their hands in the water.

“Is this okay?” Chris asks suddenly, his voice quiet. “How long did I have to keep my hand there?”

Zach lets go immediately, splashing some water in his haste to move away. “That’s probably enough. I didn’t check the time or anything.”

He takes a bunch of paper towels, offering some of them to Chris who accepts them without a word and dries his hands.

Zach takes the bag of popcorn, careful to hold it right, and pours it into a bowl Chris gives him. He follows Chris to the living room, expecting to see the usual disarray of piles of books left on different surfaces, magazines stacked precariously on the coffee table. Everything looks suspiciously neat though, and the coffee table is full of food instead of the usual clutter.

“Hey, Zach?” Chris asks, trying to fit the glasses of Coke in between the snacks. He really went all out - there are Twizzlers, Reese's peanut butter cups, even chocolate raisins. Chris does have a bit of sweet tooth, but this is bordering on ridiculous. It looks like he raided the entire sweets section of a 7/11. There’s more than enough for two of them to eat, and Zach really hopes it doesn’t mean someone else is going to join them.

“Yeah?” Zach says, still distracted by the sheer amount of things to eat.

“Have you ever told anyone? Anyone else, I mean?”

“Told them what?” Zach asks. It’s difficult to follow Chris’s train of thought sometimes when half of the relevant information is just Chris’s internal monologue instead of the actual conversation they’re having.

“That you like boys,” Chris says, still not looking at him, shifting the treats on the table.

“I… I told Alice, actually. Or she guessed, really.”

“What? When?” Chris says, looking up.

“She came to talk to me before I left school this afternoon. I meant to tell you,” Zach says, not at all sure if or when he would have brought it up.

“I didn’t know you guys were talking,” Chris says.

“We’re not. We just sort of bumped into each other. At school. It was nothing,” Zach rushes to explain.

“Okay.”

“She told me to say hi to you, when I saw you,” Zach says, suddenly remembering.

“Okay,” Chris says again, his tone even.

Chris is still fidgeting with the arrangement of snacks and drinks on the coffee table, so Zach sits down first. He has a short moment of hope that Chris might come and sit as close as he was sitting last night, but after a brief hesitation Chris sits further along the sofa, leaving a good half a dozen inches between them.

“Chris, are you mad at me?” Zach asks.

“No. Why would I be mad at you?”

“I don’t know," Zach says. "Because I talked to your girlfriend and didn’t tell you about it?”

Chris huffs. “She’s not my girlfriend. I told you that.”

“Okay. That’s pretty much what she said, too, when I asked her.”

“You asked her that?” Chris says, his eyes wide as he turns to look at Zach.

“No--well, I guess I kind of did, but I didn’t mean to--”

“You could have just believed me when I told you,” Chris says quietly as he turns to face the TV again.

Before Zach can say anything else, Katie comes to the living room, smelling of perfume and hairspray. She promptly sits between them, and Zach has to inch away to avoid being pressed against her side. There goes his plan to smoothly shift closer to Chris while he reaches for snacks.

“Katie!” Chris says, annoyed. “We’re gonna watch a movie. Go away.”

“Cool. What are you guys watching?”

Chris just sighs and fiddles with the remote. “A movie.”

“Wow, that’s a lot of food,” Katie says, reaching for the popcorn. She starts to happily munch on it as the movie begins, and Zach thinks that maybe messy eating is less of a personal trait of Chris’s and more of a family habit. It would be pretty funny if Katie wasn’t demonstrating her messy eating while crashing their date, Zach thinks, then immediately chastises himself for thinking it as a date.

“So, how are my favorite boys doing?” Katie asks, some of the popcorn falling on her lap. “What have you been up to?”

“We’re not your boys, jeez, Katie,” Chris says and crosses his arms over his chest.

“So what’s going on with you, Zach?” Katie asks, apparently unsatisfied with Chris’s response and turning to the next victim instead.

“Nothing much,” Zach answers. “Just school, and the play.”

“Ooh!” Katie exclaims. “What play are you doing this year?”

“Oliver.”

Katie looks impressed. “Wow, that’s so great,” she says and pokes her brother with her elbow. “Chris, why didn’t you tell me your school is doing Oliver? That’s amazing!”

“Didn’t think you’d be interested,” Chris mutters.

“Aw, poor Chrissy here has missed you when you’ve been spending all that time in rehearsals. I think he’s jealous,” Katie stage-whispers, ruffling Chris’s hair. Chris just bats her hand away and doesn’t say a word. His ears look a little pink.

“Weren’t you supposed to go somewhere?” Chris mutters after a while. “Anywhere?”

Katie wipes her hands on her jeans before standing up. “Okay, I can see that I’m intruding on your special boys’ night. Have fun, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”

Chris blushes even more as Katie leaves the room, her high heels clicking against the floor in the hallway.

“Sorry about that,” Chris says as the front door closes behind her. “Katie’s always so nosy.”

“That’s okay. I think she’s pretty cool.”

Chris snorts. “You only think that because she hasn’t dressed you up and decorated you like a Christmas tree with your mom’s jewelry.”

Zach laughs at that, the sound bubbling up inside him, happy and warm. Chris laughs too as he gets up and reaches for his glass, and Zach relaxes further into the sofa. When Chris sits back down again, it’s a couple of inches closer to Zach. It’s probably just an accident, Zach tells himself. But even if it’s just Chris not caring whether they’re sitting close or not, he’ll take it.

They continue watching the movie in silence. Zach tries his best to concentrate on what’s happening, but he thinks he missed some important introductory moments when he was busy staring at Chris over Katie’s shoulder.

About twenty minutes into the movie, Chris starts fidgeting next to him. Zach ignores it, figuring that Chris is just trying to get comfortable. When he moves for what must be the fifth time in as many minutes, Zach has to say something.

“Okay, what are you doing?”

“Nothing,” Chris says and goes absolutely still.

“Right,” Zach says and concentrates on the film again.

He’s distracted by explosions and fight scenes for a little while until he notices that Chris is moving again, this time stretching his arms above his head and yawning. Zach ignores it until one of Chris’s arms slowly lands on the back of the sofa behind him, Chris’s fingers brushing Zach’s shoulder.

Zach feels his heart beating faster. He’s afraid to move or even say anything. There is no way Chris just accidentally dropped his hand around him like that, but Zach has to say something to make sure Chris is really aware of what’s happening.

“Chris, you have your arm around my shoulder.”

Chris is still for a moment, then lifts his arm again and hastily shifts away from Zach.

“Sorry, I thought--” Chris mumbles. “Never mind.”

Zach stares at Chris, who is honest to god blushing, his fingers flexing against the material of his jeans. Neither of them is paying any attention to the movie anymore. Zach thinks back to what has happened so far this evening - their hands touching in the sink and Chris being in no hurry to pull his hand away, but being in a hurry to get Katie away, and now the most obvious stealth cuddle move in the history of date night cliches… He tries to choose his words carefully in case he has misunderstood, in case this is just some kind of joke Chris is playing on him. But Chris wouldn’t joke about things like these, would he?

“Chris. When you asked me over to watch a movie, did you--did you mean it as a date?”

Chris nods. His eyes are shining with unshed tears, and he quickly looks away. Zach feels his heart squeeze painfully at the sight.

Zach has been so wrapped up in trying to hide how he feels that he’s completely missed or ignored all the signs of how Chris might be feeling. The way Chris talked about their kiss and insisted on it counting as a real kiss. How he wanted to hear about Zach’s previous kisses. That moment before Zach’s mom came home and Zach had been sure Chris was asking for another kissing lesson, which Zach would have been more than willing to give. When it comes to Chris, he’s willing to give anything.

Now that he thinks about it, the way Chris asked Zach over to watch a movie had been odd as well. Like he was afraid of Zach saying no, afraid of being rejected. It never even occurred to Zach to say no, to deny himself any chance to spend more time with Chris.

“But I thought…” Zach starts, unsure how to end that sentence. “What about Alice?”

“What about her? I told you we’re not dating. She told you we’re not dating. How much clearer can it get?”

“Yeah, but I thought you still liked her. You were just on a date with her! You keep saying she’s the coolest girl you know!”

Zach doesn’t mean it to sound like an accusation, but he can’t help that it comes out a bit like that, rushed and disbelieving. And he _is_ confused. Chris had been hanging out with Alice all the time at school, and Zach had seen the occasional affectionate touch, a hand on arm or arms brushing against each other while they were sitting on a bench. Not that he’d been spying, or anything. Despite what he’s now heard from them both, he’s still afraid that Chris’s feelings towards Alice haven’t changed at all.

“Remember how you told me to think of it as hanging out with a friend, when I was nervous about that date with her? That was actually pretty good advice,” Chris says.

“Don’t sound so surprised,” Zach says, smiling a little. “I give plenty of good advice.”

Chris smiles a little, and Zach wants to punch the air in victory at that. He has always loved making Chris smile, being the source of Chris’s joy. To still be able to do that, despite all the distress he might have been causing, feels exhilarating.

“What I mean is that, I found out I really liked acting like her friend? And we’re kinda friends now, like I’ve been trying to tell you, so it all turned out great. But it was still a date, so it was all a little confusing, and I just felt like I’d made a great big fool of myself that evening, trying to act out a perfect date. Sort of like I’m feeling now, actually.”

“Chris, no... If anyone’s been a fool here, it’s-”

“I mean, just because you like boys doesn’t mean you have to like me, I know that, and it’s okay--”

“But I do,” Zach says, in a rush. “I do like you.”

He feels like he’s been putting his foot in his mouth a lot today, said things without thinking them through, but this is one indisputable truth he knows; he doesn’t have to check before letting his mouth form the words. He’s just been afraid of the reaction the words might get him.

“Duh, Zach. Of course you do, we’re friends. I meant-”

Zach frowns. “No, I like, _like_ you.”

“Oh. Really?” Chris says, a small frown on his face. Then he smiles again, and Zach smiles back almost automatically. “ _Like_ like?”

“Why do you think I kissed you, when you asked me to show you how it’s done?” Zach asks.

“I don’t--I just thought you were being a good friend, helping me out,” Chris answers earnestly.

“By kissing you? For a whole minute?” Zach says, bewildered.

“Wow, you seriously timed that?”

“I didn’t actually,” Zach says. “I’m pretty sure I lost all sense of time.”

Chris ducks his head down and smiles. “Yeah, me too.”

“I wanted to kiss you again, last night,” Zach says, the confessions rolling off his tongue easily now. He wants to tell Chris everything.

“You did?” Chris asks and shifts closer on the sofa, the movement slow and deliberate.

“Yeah. I pretty much always want to kiss you, so.”

Chris turns even more pink at that, his hands squeezing his knees, and it’s so damn adorable Zach just wants to grab his shoulders and kiss him until he can’t breathe. There’s more he has to say first, though, however difficult it is to resist just smashing their mouths together.

“Chris, that time we kissed--I knew you’d asked just to know what it’s like, but I was so excited about it, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it afterwards. I was so afraid you’d know that, and hate me for it.”

“I could never hate you, Zach. I really like you, like a lot.”

Zach grins and takes hold of Chris’s hand, squeezing it in his own and relishing the contact. “I really like you a lot too.”

They smile at each other until Chris bites his bottom lip and asks, “What do you wanna do now?”

Zach turns to face the TV again, not letting go of Chris’s hand. “I want to finish the movie.”

“What? Seriously?” Chris splutters.

Zach tries not to smile, but he’s aware it’s a losing battle. “Yeah. It’s really good. I want to find out what happens.”

Chris huffs and shifts closer again. “Yeah, sure.”

They’re finally so close their thighs and arms are touching, and Zach can feel Chris shiver at the contact. He’s already about to turn to face Chris again, the anticipation for their next kiss nearly unbearable, when he feels Chris’s lips on his cheek, Chris’s breath hot against his face.

“Zachary, please kiss me again.”

Zach can’t really say no to that. He turns his face slowly until their lips meet and closes his eyes. He feels Chris’s other hand on his neck, moving up into his hair as they keep kissing, their lips sliding against each other with such ease it feels like they’ve been doing this many times before. And he guesses they have, in their thoughts at least. Zach certainly has had many more practice kissing sessions in his dreams, and he realizes with a jolt of pleasure that Chris has probably been imagining that too. The eager way Chris pushes against him now, his lips on Zach’s even more insistent than during their first kiss those weeks ago, would certainly suggest that he’s been thinking about it.

When they break apart after a while Zach wonders how he could ever count how long their kisses last, or how many there are, when he’s not sure he can remember his own name during them. He’s still a bit dumbfounded by the fact that there are going to be so many kisses he’s going to lose count of them, that he doesn’t have to count them any more. There’s no need to dream of another chance to kiss Chris, not when Chris’s face is an inch away from his own and those soft lips are curling into a smile as Chris leans into another kiss.

“I thought you were against dating now, or something like that,” Zach says some time later as they finally break apart for long enough to share the popcorn between them. They’re watching the movie again after rewinding it to a scene that looks vaguely familiar but spending more time looking at each other than the TV. Chris is half sitting in his lap, his legs dangling over Zach’s.

“Well, I thought I didn’t want to go on dates and all that stuff, but then I realized I kind of want to do all that stuff… with you,” Chris finishes around the popcorn Zach has been trying to feed him, his hand unsteady as he giggles.

Zach can’t seem to stop smiling. “So you did all this?” he asks, gesturing towards the treats on the table, the bowl of popcorn wedged between them, the quiet and dimly lit room around them.

“Yeah,” Chris answers, picking up a kernel of popcorn and lifting it towards Zach’s mouth. “I wanted it to be perfect.”

Zach happily accepts the popcorn, making sure to lick Chris’s fingers before the hand is drawn away. He snuggles closer, quickly kissing the blush on Chris’s neck.

“It is,” Zach says. “So perfect.”


	5. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zach can't believe he gets to have this, whatever it is he has with Chris.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for everyone who has read this story and left kudos and comments <3 Here's a little, fluffy epilogue that takes place soon after the previous chapter, where Chris and Zach had their movie date.
> 
> Special thanks to [semperama](http://archiveofourown.org/users/semperama/pseuds/semperama)!

“Tell me a story,” Chris demands, his head resting on Zach’s shoulder as they cuddle on the couch. Zach has his right arm around Chris, and a part of him still can’t quite believe this is real, and not a dream he’s going to wake up from at any moment.

“About what?” Zach asks without missing a beat. He turns his head a little to nuzzle Chris’s hair, trying not to be too obvious about sniffing it. It’s hardly his fault that Chris’s hair smells amazing, all woody and earthy.

“That night last week when we were drinking beer and you told me about Karl.”

“Were you jealous?” Zach _had_ been hoping to make Chris jealous by describing that kiss, but didn’t think it would work at the time.

“Duh, Zach. Of course I was. I had been planning a sneaky way to get you to kiss me again, and then I find out you’ve been kissing the hottest guy at school,” Chris explains as he starts to play with the hem of Zach’s t-shirt.

“It was just that one kiss, Chris, and after I got the chance to kiss you I couldn’t really care less about some--wait, you think he’s the hottest guy at school?”

Chris lifts his head and looks up, grinning.

“Asshole,” Zach says softly, which just makes Chris grin more.

“I was totally asking for another kissing lesson that night, you know,” Chris says, lifting his hand to Zach’s stomach, the tanned skin of his hand golden against the dark blue of Zach’s t-shirt. 

“I know,” Zach answers immediately. “Or I hoped, anyway.”

“What would you have done then, if your mom hadn’t come home?” Chris asks.

Zach pretends to think about it for a moment, like he hadn’t been imagining how that night might have gone in the following days, turning it over in his head.

“For starters, I would have said something witty about teaching you how to use your tongue.”

Chris’s cheeks look a little pink as he looks down at his hand still resting on Zach’s stomach. “Oh yeah? Like what?”

“I don’t know,” Zach says, getting a little breathless as he thinks back on that night. Chris’s hands on him are not much help either. “Just--something funny, and then you would have laughed, and I would have kissed you, and it would have been such a great kiss you would have realised you were madly in love with me and never wanted to stop kissing me, and I--”

Zach stops as he feels Chris’s hand move on his stomach, this time underneath his shirt. The skin-to-skin contact feels more indecent than anything else they’ve done--which isn’t much. Zach’s in no hurry to take things further than some kissing and heavy make-out sessions on the couch. He’s not afraid of Chris freaking out--not exactly, since Chris has been initiating most of their couch make-out sessions--but… yeah, he’s a little bit afraid of pushing Chris too far. Things have been great, better than great, but Zach can’t help feeling like he’s waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And it’s not like either of them has a lot of experience. Getting to kiss Chris, and Chris kissing him, is a bigger thrill than Zach could ever have imagined.

“This really isn’t one of my best stories, is it?”

Chris licks his lips and moves his hand up further underneath Zach’s shirt. “Oh. Are you… distracted or something?”

“I’m always a little distracted when you’re around,” Zach confesses.

Chris just smiles at him and leans closer until their lips are almost touching. Zach can feel both of Chris’s hands underneath his shirt now, warm against his lower back, and tries to suppress a shiver.

“Kiss me,” Zach whispers, and Chris grins against his lips before closing the final distance between them. Zach sighs into the kiss, his whole body arching up against Chris. After a few slow, unhurried kisses Chris moves even closer, draping his leg over Zach’s thighs and settling in his lap. Zach breaks away from the kiss and pants against Chris’s mouth. Everything feels hazy and wonderful.

“It’s different,” Chris says suddenly.

“What is?” Zach asks, his brain still a little foggy from all the kisses and being near Chris.

“Kissing you,” Chris says slowly, sounding thoughtful. “It’s different now than the first time.”

“Oh. Why? I mean, like, good different, or bad different?”

Chris hovers over him, biting his lip. It looks like he’s trying to resist moving closer for another kiss, and Zach would help him by closing the distance between them if he wasn’t so anxious to hear Chris’s answer.

“Because… I wasn’t sure, that first time, if it was real. It felt real, and it felt really good, and that’s--it was confusing. I was kissing my best friend. And now…”

Zach swallows, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach. Now what? It’s not exciting anymore? Chris was curious, and his curiosity is satisfied now? He’s reached the quota of an acceptable amount of kisses two boys can share before one of them starts to panic and needs to reclaim his straightness? Zach considers letting go of Chris, maybe gently trying to push him off, but he can’t bring himself to do that, not when he still has a lapful of Chris to hold in his arms.

“And now it’s different, because I’m kissing my...boyfriend?” Chris says, his voice rising slightly at the end, his eyes flicking uncertainly to Zach’s.

Zach blinks. “Boyfriend?”

“Yeah. That’s what I want, and I thought you wanted it too, but... It feels like I’m always the one who kisses you first, and you do kiss me back but sometimes--I dunno, it feels like it takes you a while to respond? Like you’re not sure if you really want it?”

“More like I’m not sure if it’s really happening,” Zach says, the words leaving him in a rush as he looks at his best friend, _his boyfriend._ “But this is real, right?”

“Yeah,” Chris answers immediately, nodding his head.

“Trust me,” Zach says and squeezes Chris’s waist for emphasis, “there’s nothing I want more than to be your boyfriend.”

“Oh,” Chris says and Zach watches as a huge grin spreads on his face. “Not even the guitar I got you for your birthday?”

“What?” Zach sits up so quickly he almost butts heads with Chris, who just laughs and settles back into Zach’s lap.

“Whoa, dude. I take it you’re gonna like your present?”

“Hell yeah. But not as much as I like having my boyfriend wiggling in my lap.”

Chris giggles, his whole expression full of joy and mischief as he shimmies against Zach’s thighs.

“You like that?”

“I like everything about you,” Zach says, his voice a whisper against Chris’s lips as he brings their mouths together again, losing himself in the kiss.


End file.
